My humor column now appears here each month. The column offers a peek into my life as a father, husband, and sports addict. (Previously, my columns appeared on sanitycentral.net under the name, The Imperfect Man.)
Humor Columns
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My humor column now appears here each month. The column offers a peek into my life as a father, husband, and sports addict. (Previously, my columns appeared on sanitycentral.net under the name, The Imperfect Man.)
Check out the latest column (below) and the following archived columns in Hurnor Press.com's showcase.
"Freedom at Last"
I’m jealous of my kids for many reasons. At ages three and six, they don’t have a care in the world. They don’t have to go to work, pay bills, or act responsibly. They don’t have to worry about the economy or putting food on the table. They just worry about eating the food on the table. And if they don’t like it, they can tell you and spit it out.
What a life.
Recently, though, the focus of my jealousy has shifted to my wife as my son started going to school five days a week, six hours a day. In other words, my wife is now free for 6 hours a day.
“I’ve earned it. I stayed home with him the last three years,” my wife says.
“If I work for the next three years, what do I get?”
“You get to work for three years with no kids in the house.”
That’s the only positive aspect of it for me. She, on the other hand, is now the beneficiary of six free hours a day to do as she pleases—watch TV, exercise, have a life, read the paper, sit on the couch and eat bon bons , shop for Coach bags, go for lunch with her girlfriends, shop for Louis Vuitton bags, etc.
The reality is she won’t be doing most of those things (at least not eating the bon bons, anyway). She’ll still be making lunches and dinners, picking the kids up from school, doing homework and shopping. However, she’ll now have six hours a day to take care of these things and that ticks me off. As if two or three hours wasn’t enough.
Therefore, with all this extra time for shopping and making dinners, shouldn’t I get something in return? Instead of meatloaf and fish sticks, why not filet mignon and Lobster Thermadour? I’m willing to trade a new bag for that—a knockoff, of course. I don’t think that’s asking too much.
If I had six free hours a day, I’d make great use of the time. I’d do household chores early in the morning, write for a couple of hours, workout at the gym, and help with homework, dinner, and lunches. Unfortunately, knowing me, I’d be burnt out after a week or two. I’d then start watching ESPN and movies all day, gambling at OTB (probably while watching the kids), and calling into radio shows. Shaving, chores, and clean clothes would be optional. It would be a fun, potentially, smelly ride but one that would be completely wasted on me.
I hate to admit it, but my wife should be the one with the free time. She’s responsible and incredibly detail-oriented—to put it nicely. I simply have to appreciate the meatloaf and fish dinners and go back to being jealous of my kids. At least they’re in school for six hours a day and don’t like bags.
Copyright © 2008, Brad Manzo